I am not yet married.
But I am going to start blogging about marriage. Specifically, there are two books on the subject that I want to work through. One is a book called What Did You Expect? by Paul Tripp. I have posted a video by Tripp on the use of our words, and I believe he is very good at shedding practical Gospel light on important parts of life... like marriage. He is not a preacher, but a counselor, and his heart for that comes through in the book. Though he is not a preacher, he is deeply Biblical in his advice. This is the book that Nicole and I are currently reading together to help direct us to relevant Biblical truths and prepare our hearts for what we might be able to expect.
The other book is by an author familiar to this blog, John Piper. His book is This Momentary Marriage. Piper is a self-proclaimed Christian Hedonist, and he would describe that this way: seeking our happiness is not wrong; in fact we should seek it with great passion and all our energy, but we should seek it in God alone and not the countless other pathetic idols we chase. We should delight ourselves in God. He is our ultimate end. Piper, under the influence of Jonathan Edwards, asserts that God's ultimate design in the world is to make his glory known; God's glory is ultimate and everything else is penultimate. Piper, speaking as a Christian Hedonist, then concludes (and is often quoted), "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him." God's getting glory and my getting joy are not at odds, but rather, by God's all-wise, Christ-glorifying, loving, gracious design, they meet at Christ's blood stained cross. All of Piper's books are really explorations of different parts of life through that God-glorifying lens; this book is the same. How should we think about marriage in light of the gospel? And how should we think about it in light of God's glory and my joy coming together in that gospel?
So there it is - a brief roadmap of what you might expect in the coming months. I am sure it will take three or four months to get through both of these books. I know that I am going to learn quite a lot; I hope you may, too. I now would like to address what might be some objections rising in your mind as to why you should read any of these coming posts.
Objection #1 - Daniel, what in the world do you know about marriage?
I admit, friends, that I do not have any experience in marriage. I do believe that I have witnessed many successful Christ-exalting marriages, especially in my church, but even more especially at home between my parents. God, thank you; I am so blessed. However, experience and observation are not at all the primary grounds for the things I want to say. I am getting married in October, and God-willing, I will get to experience marriage and have a long, happy one. I do imagine that if I am blessed to have a long, fruitful marriage, I would at the end of it perhaps write a far better, more detailed, and more experienced account of this precious subject than this current undertaking. Nevertheless, I press on because I am convinced in Jesus that the heart of that hypothetical future account would be substantially the same as this present one.
The ultimate grounds for the picture of marriage that I want to set forth is what the timeless Word of God has to say about it. God created marriage, and he teaches us about it and its purpose. Therefore, my overarching design here is to stay tethered to Scripture throughout this trip because I know that it will never steer me wrong, will only bring me life, and will do much to correct the watered-down, self-absorbed crap version of marriage that is often preached on television and spread through romance novels (and even through some Christian books on the subject). Let's let the Bible interpret our experience - not the other way around.
Because of our culture, we are trained, not to do hard things, but to seek easy fixes. We are trained to not have to think, but to have things thought out for us instead. We want to have six easy steps to a succesful marriage (or life). We will then implement those steps, and all will be well - all glory to this imaginary silver bullet list we've just created. We would like to have a book on marriage that tells us exactly what all the pitfalls will be, so we can avoid them and live happily ever after. Give me the details...
My conviction is this: the truth will set you free (John 8:32). Ideas have consequences. We will reap what we sow; therefore, we will reap the harvest of our good or bad, God-centered or man-centered ideas about things. Paul tells us, be transformed by the renewal of your mind (Romans 12:2). AW Tozer argues, "the most important thing about a person is what they think about God." God, for your name's sake lead me into the truth about You.
Life is lived in the details, to be sure - walking the dog, purchasing a house, kneeling to pray, going on trips, having a conversation, deciding where to work. However, these are all branches and shoots on the grand tree of our lives, and if we want those branches to be healthy and fruitful, it will be woefully ineffective to spend all our energy over-focused on the details. We don't want to miss the forest for the trees, or in the case of this particular illustration, the tree for its individual leaves and twigs and branches. The most important thing about the tree is where its planted, where it gets its source of life, into what or Whom its roots are sunk. The blessed man whose delight is in the Lord's law is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does he prospers. (Psalm 1:1-3)
I want my marriage to prosper, but I imagine that my marriage will be like that fruit; to get the fruit, the tree must be planted by streams of water, and the important thing is to delight in the law of the Lord. We must make sure our roots are planted firmly in God, that we are abiding in Christ, and then the fruit will naturally follow. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. (Matthew 6:33) If we aim straight for the practical - to get all the details under control - we will lose it, but if we aim for the root, for the center, for God, we will get the practical thrown in. (In fact, aiming straight at the practical will tend to set its details up as idols, since they are pursued out of connection with God.)
Tripp and Piper have not written how-to books about marriage, but instead have sought to get a clear picture of God, a soul-deep conviction of his holiness, an over-arching sense of his purposes in the world, and an understanding of how marriage derives its own purpose from those greater purposes. Their conviction, and mine, is that we must get these things right, and all the rest will follow as God wants. While they certainly do dip into their experiences at times and offer a more three-dimensional picture of marriage than I can, the grounds for their assertions, like mine I hope, are also the nature of God and the Biblical picture of this union called marriage. Therefore, my aim in these writings is to point you to Scripture and to hopefully serve as a relay-er of the wisdom of Tripp and Piper on this topic. They deal primarily in ideas, truths about God and about us that might not seem immediately relevant, but which will prove to be most fruitful and freeing in the long run; we might just need to wait for the proper season to see that fruit. God, help us to value your truth independent of our evaluation of its immediate relevance.
Basically, I don't know as much about marriage as others because I do not have experience, but the most important things I need to know are in the Bible - and I do have that.
Before I move on, I want to share a quick thought on the nature of wisdom. Being old definitely does not make you wise by itself. Having lots of experiences does not make you wise necessarily, either. Fear of the Lord makes you wise. The wisest people are usually older, but also the un-wisest, because age and experience will only take people further down whatever road they have chosen - fear of the Lord or callous rebellion. Therefore, if you are older, you tend either to be wiser or to be more eloquent in your stupidity. The thing that counts is not having lots of experiences, but having experiences viewed through Spirit-led humility before God. And the infallible Word of God cuts through our fallen perceptions of life's experiences like steel through tissue paper. Again, the Word should interpret life, and not the other way around, or we have set up some authority in our life - in this case, our experience - above God's own revelation of himself.
Objection #2 - Daniel, I don't think I really need to worry about marriage right now.
There are probably few people reading this who are at my exact stage of life - engagement. I can see people on either side of the spectrum, single to married, who would see these entries as unnecessary to their lives. I certainly cannot argue that there might not be more pressing issues to wrestle with at any particular time, but I will attempt to argue that thinking Biblically about marriage can be fruitful for anyone at any stage.
First, for those who are single, thinking ahead can be very good. I have many times found myself to be guilty of sins that I would have thought myself incapable of earlier in life. In those times I invariably wish I had better prepared myself Biblically to handle my flesh, Satan, and the world. The truth is that very many of you will be married at some point in your life, and that deserves some serious thought and preparation. Live so as not to regret a lack of Biblical preparation.
Second, for those who are single and will remain single, it is not irrelevant to your life to think about marriage. A major aim of this blog's undertaking will be to examine how God is glorified in marriage. This line of thinking will inevitably lead as well to the other side of the coin - how God is glorified by a person's single-ness.
Finally, for those who are already married, these thoughts may serve as a re-centering tool. Perhaps it will serve to bring clarity. I imagine that anyone, if they are willing to read, may possibly find God moving in their hearts to see Christ exalted even more in their marriages. Unless of course they are perfect already, marriage and all.
I confess that I am not very good at giving personal advice to people. God has certainly equipped others with that gift, more so than myself. I do hope that this blog might serve as a means of grace to strengthen and bring clarity to those who do in fact have that gift. I pray that these thoughts on marriage might find their way into the hearts of readers, to help their own marriages, but also to help them help others in theirs as well.
I am also very aware of what is happening here. I am giving a written account now of what marriage is. Oh, that God would give me the grace to apply what I learn. I need God so much. To God alone be the glory!
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